


"I've been thinking too much. Help me..."

by SlitheredFromEden



Series: "OCD Got Nothing On Me (Yeah Right)" a memoir by Arthur Pendragon [11]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Funeral, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:52:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6069460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlitheredFromEden/pseuds/SlitheredFromEden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's takes a trip down memory lane</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I've been thinking too much. Help me..."

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Ride by Twe One Pilots

Arthur stared in horror as Elena inched closer to him. He back away into the wall. 

"Daddy, look at this! I made it for you!" Her little fists shook the paper in it's grasp. She hugged his leg. 

"It's great, Ellie." Arthur smiled forcefully. "Go go go go show Merlin." 

"Merlin?" She tilted her head in confusion. 

"Moma." He corrected himself. "Go show moma." 

His little girl sprinted down the hallway like a mad man. He took the opportunity to slip into the bathroom and check himself for sudden changes. He knew that it's just his OCD, all those sessions with Leon prove that. Arthur just can't help it, he needs to be sure of it. 

"It's all in your head, Pendragon." Arthur muttered to his reflection. "It's all in your head." 

He left the bathroom after that. He found Merlin with Ellie in his lap as heads read to her one of her favorite books. Arthur envies their story time, bed, time, and bath time. He's glad that his fiancé and daughter are bonding but he feels excluded. Arthur concluded that it's better to feel excluded than to feel like a paedophile. 

The blond carried on to his office. Choosing to lock the door behind him. He pulled his phone out and texted Lance. 

**To: Lancelot**

I can't do it... I can't hug her

**From: Lancelot**

Yes you can, it's simple 

Even you know that 

**To: Lancelot**

What if I have a reaction? 

What if I become a paedophile? 

**From: Lancelot**

Remember that summer when your dad passed? You over came that! You can do this too! 

Arthur remembered that summer all too well. It certainly one of the hardest summers he lived through... It was the summer he started raising Morgana, because Nimueh was too busy trying to take his name off his father's will. If it weren't for Lance or Gaius Arthur would've currently been six feet under. 

*

15 years ago

*

The news of his father's death struck him down. His father was in perfect health, or he assumed so. But nevertheless, Arthur denied it. Dismissed it all as a nightmare, but this felt all too real. 

Morgana acted as if it were a normal Sunday and Nimueh was sobbing dramatically.. They never loved his dad the way he did, with a his heart. Lance arrived shortly, with a a look of grief. 

 _I'm here for you, A-R-T-H-U-R_ Lance signed. _Always._

_Thank you._

_You can cry, if you want._

_I don't, I just want you to stay with me._

Arthur and Lance sat in silence, with nothing but each others company. On the day of his father's funeral Arthur couldn't bring himself to leave his room. The anxiety of this whole situation was tearing him apart. 

Thoughts came pouring into his mind blaming him for the death of his father. For not being there for him when his dad was in need. Arthur gripped his hand tightly as of he were forcing them to go away. 

"Arthur," Gaius spoke up from behind his bedroom door. "If we don't leave now, we'll be late." 

"Do I I I I have to?" 

"I'm afraid so, my boy." 

Arthur slowly came face to face with his guardian. "I'm ready." 

So many eyes bore into Arthur's very soul at the funeral. Many whispers were exchanged between people Arthur has never seen before. He knew they were only there in blind hope that they were in his will.  

"Pay them no mind." Gaius instructed. "They'll eventually stop." 

Gaius was right, Arthur knew that. But his brain didn't. Arthur never undertook his brain, they never saw eye to eye. Most days the teen was fine with the way things were. 

But at the exact moment it wasn't most days...

He sat quietly beside Gaius as the funeral began. There were a few exchanges of words before the priest called Arthur out. 

"Would you like to share a few words, young Pendragon?" 

"No." Arthur responded bluntly. There was nothing that was worth saying aloud. What could he say? That his father never loved him or deep down he's relieved he's father's gone? Arthur eyes widened at that last thought. He was shocked on how true was and it made him feel great. 

That soothing feeling was long gone when Arthur heard a hushed he "I heard he killed his father." 

"Poor Uther," came the response. "But I guess he knew what he was dealing with since he didn't throw that broken boy of his into a adoption." 

"Honey, it was way before that." Said the first voice. "It was since he married his first wife. Ygraine was it?" 

"A bastard's daughter, she was." 

"She did us all a favor when she died."

"Ada!" 

"Well it's true, Gwynedd!" Replied Ada. "If only she took the abomination with her." 

Arthur didn't realize that he was crying, until it was too late. Gaius mistake it for sorrow of his father's death. Their hatred for Arthur only hate himself more. He looked back a them with a burning glare. 

Both women tensed. Arthur wanted to shout out. Tell them that his mother was a respectable woman and the he wishes that he had the pleasure of meeting her. But he bit his tongue instead. He hated creating a scene, and he's a his father funeral. 

Arthur's mind traveled down a different route. He thought of his father reuniting with his mom at last. Would he mention Arthur? Would his dad tell her all the things he has done for the past decade and a half. Or hasn't done to be precise..

Or could it be his mother was watching over him this whole time! She knows about his broken down mind and body.. Arthur suddenly felt ashamed of himself. His mother wouldn't have loved him, what was he thinking? She was never watching over him. Nobody ever would by choice. 

Arthur fled the funeral unable to stay any longer. Arthur was found by his best friend shortly. 

 _I know it's hard_ Lance signed. _But you shouldn't run. It leaves an impression._

 _I already left a impression, L-a-n-c-e_ Arthur twitched. It happens when he signs too fast. 

 _Not true! Many people care about you._ Lance signed furiously. 

_Like who? You and Gaius? That's nothing!_

_My mom and Morgana too! More than enough!_ Lance's eyes were pleading. 

"Why do you you you care?" Arthur asked him. 

_I care about you, always will._

*

The present 

*

"Daddy!" Elena knocked in his door. "Lemme in!" 

Arthur took a few deep breaths before advancing to the door. 

"Hello, Ellie." 

"Moma Merlin loved the drawing!" She clapped her chubby hands together. 

"That's great," Arthur smiled fondly at his perfect daughter. 

"Can I hang it on your wall?" 

"I'll do it-" 

"No! Me!" Elena argued. 

"Okay..." Arthur huffed. "Here we go." 

Arthur lifted her up to a abandoned hammered nail. Elena stabbed her paper right in. She giggled and wrapped her arms around her dad's. 

"I love you, daddy."

He hugged her tightly. "I love you too, Ellie. I really do."

"Yayyy!" Elena bursted into a fit giggles.

A little too loud to hear his soft "..and I'm so sorry that I do." 

"Hey, my pretties!" Merlin entered the office. "Lunch is ready!" 

"Food!" The toddler cheered as she bolted away. 

"..Arthur? Are you alright? You seem off?" 

"Perfectly fine, love." Arthur leaned in and kissed Merlin. "Simply perfect." 

Merlin clapped him on the back. "Let's eat then." 

Arthur nodded. He didn't realizehow easily he lies to Merlin lately. It's almost too easy, Merlin probably started to notice. Arthur was confused on why hasn't he said anything about it. It wasn't like Merlin to keep quiet...

But then then again, it wasn't like himself to lie...

Maybe Merlin is hiding something of his own. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this update took so long.


End file.
